Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
one last job
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug