Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
How did we not see this back then?
That 👊
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
this is funnier than any friends episode
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I feel seen
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?