Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Hmmmmm
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.