You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”