If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
OH. COME. ON.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
*seductively corrects your posture*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.