First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Whoa 😂
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.