[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Basketball
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool