[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Me too
If only
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.