If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Important reminders
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.