Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED