was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
my fav colour is also hitler
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive