News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
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You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can鈥檛 count
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it鈥檚 just the paste off my brush”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I鈥檓 trying to cut back on how much sense I make
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE