my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction