Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: