Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us