Social distancing in Australia:
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my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..