Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
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handsome & gretel
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”