Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial