Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here