There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Yes, but it was never about money
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
crying