*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?