Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
also my go-to takeaway order
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.