You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
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On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Gemma Correll
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Beware of the dog..
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
going to the ER y’all need anything
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training