choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
HERE’S MARKY
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.