I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters