friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf