Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.