😂 amazing answer
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Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.