[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*weighs self after shaving
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit