Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*pokes sex life with a stick
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?