They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
getting groceries
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?