Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…