“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”