Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.