Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
You Might Also Like
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I missed you with all my darts