what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.