Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Hell yeah 👍
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.