I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*