[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.