when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no