[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.