[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups