Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Twitter is an abusement park.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
this chia pet tastes awful
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists