Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
yall want some gasoline milk
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions