The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue