Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You Might Also Like
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Another interesting #factupdates post!