I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.