What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
That’s easy for you to say
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.