Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
mariah carrie
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?