Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.